Sure, it’s barely a month since the holidays, and if I were a better person, I’m sure I’d be sticking to a diet and working off all the holiday calories I accrued. But we are living in dark times, and when survival becomes an act of rebellion, any diet can fuck right off.

My mom had a recipe for this cake in her collection, labeled “From the kitchen of Lucille Portwood.” Lucille Portwood’s version calls for a box chocolate cake mix. Since I don’t have one of those in the house, but I do have all the ingredients to make a chocolate cake from scratch, that’s what we’re doing here. I’ll let you decide which adventure you’d like to choose — whether using a mix or baking from scratch so you don’t have to run to the store is the path of least resistance.

But what does it taste like? It’s like a chocolate cake ate a cherry pie and spat out the crust. And then you eat it, like a turducken of dessert (because you are sweet just the way you are). It’s slightly unsettling and extremely glorious.

1 can cherry pie filling
1 chocolate cake mix, OR
3/4 c. butter
1 1/4 c. sugar
1/2 c. unsweetened cocoa powder
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1 c. milk (soy works just fine)

Grease a 9×13″ pan and preheat the oven to 350F.

If you’re using a cake mix, follow the directions on the box and add the pie filling to the batter before baking. If you’re not, proceed apace:

On the stove, melt the butter on low to medium heat and add the sugar and cocoa powder. Stir constantly with a whisk until everything is well incorporated.

Add this mix to a mixing bowl and add the eggs and vanilla. Beat until combined.

In a separate bowl, mix the dry ingredients together. Gradually add to the wet mix, alternating with the milk.

Add the cherry pie filling last. Stir well, then pour into the baking pan.

Bake for 35-40 minutes. Let it cool.

This makes a dense, shorter cake, which you can eat with a fork directly out of the pan. We are living in dark times, after all, and sometimes it’s enough just to let this be your emotional support cake, frosting or no.

If, however, you feel up to frosting it, turn it out and slice in half, then frost both pieces and stack them.